1
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:28,019
Good evening, it's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

2
00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:31,979
in a packed programme tonight, we'll
talk to the Exeter newlyweds, who this

3
00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:35,659
had their prayers answered for a
honeymoon away from it all, with luxury,

4
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,280
guaranteed quiet and seclusion.

5
00:00:37,281 --> 00:00:40,539
British Leyland have booked them into
the back seats of a rover still on the

6
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,590
production line.

7
00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:47,659
And we'll be talking to two politicians,
one of whom says he wouldn't mind a bit

8
00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:51,019
if more women were in power, whilst the
other says he wouldn't mind a bit and he

9
00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:52,400
doesn't care who's in power.

10
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:55,750
But first, the news.

11
00:00:56,260 --> 00:01:00,170
Research chemists have finally perfected
the cigarette to replace the pill.

12
00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:03,190
This means that from now on, you can
have smoke without fire.

13
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:12,139
At Paddington today, the Plymouth line
was subject to delay. The 11 .42 train

14
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:17,640
was on time, the 15 .29 was a little
late, and the 19 .45 train was very

15
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,730
Passengers received apologies and their
demob suits.

16
00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:25,579
And a survey has been carried out in the
House of Lords to find out what members

17
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:28,799
think of their counterparts in the House
of Commons. Here are the results.

18
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,619
Lord Hailtham said Jailtham, Lord Dewham
said Thuam, Lord Blackham said

19
00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:34,660
Thackham, and Lord Langham said Hangham.

20
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,620
Lord Wadham is on holiday.

21
00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:47,379
A man appeared at Bingley Magistrate's
Court today

22
00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:51,380
accused of stealing an 18 -pound tin of
bicarbonate of soda.

23
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,370
Police said that he had swallowed the
evidence.

24
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,380
He was remanded into custody pending
very loud reports.

25
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,679
And a 92 -year -old Wigtown man was
married today to an 18 -year -old girl.

26
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,319
the reception afterwards, her friends
gave her a long woolly comforter and his

27
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,000
friends gave him about two months.

28
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:18,819
And now a sketch about a ball -bearing
factory in which I play a man who loses

29
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:19,870
his bearings.

30
00:02:40,641 --> 00:02:46,169
It's all right. Don't let the dog in.
No, no, no. It's all right. It's all

31
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:49,430
right. You're all right. It's all right.
It's all clear now.

32
00:02:49,710 --> 00:02:53,509
I'm awfully sorry about that. I say,
you're in good trim, aren't you? I've

33
00:02:53,510 --> 00:02:56,549
seen anyone reach the top of that ball
standing one bound before, I guess.

34
00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:59,529
Not even the postman. He's had enough
practice, goodness knows.

35
00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:02,169
I didn't do anything to upset him. You
know, I just stood there. I didn't do

36
00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:05,189
anything. I know. I think that's the
trouble. He doesn't like being ignored,

37
00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:08,269
see. No, I don't want to meet him. No, I
don't. I think you should meet him. No,

38
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:09,320
I don't.

39
00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:13,799
I'll make the tea, dear. Yes. And I've
shut Pong Pong in the kitchen. Oh, thank

40
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,059
you. That'll be fine. Thanks, Fred. What
are you doing? What are you doing?

41
00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:22,019
No, I'm just admiring the shed. It's a
lovely shed, that. It is a nice shed,

42
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:25,399
I should shut the window because that's
where we keep the bees, you see.

43
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,979
They are about to swarm, unless you are
a bee person. No, I'm not a bee person.

44
00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:29,579
No, no.

45
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:33,219
Come on. No, come on. I think we'd get
it all the way. I don't like him. As

46
00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:36,139
as he sees that you like me and I like
you, it'll be quite all right. All

47
00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:37,340
He's shut in the kitchen.

48
00:03:37,341 --> 00:03:40,619
He's shut in the kitchen. There he is.
He can see you through the glass panel.

49
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:41,760
There you are. This is Mr.

50
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,280
Pinsley. Yes. Nice Mr.

51
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:45,670
Pinsley. Daddy's friend from the
opposite.

52
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,260
Yes. Yes.

53
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,200
He doesn't believe me, does he? No.

54
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,960
This is Eric. This is a good Eric. Nice
Eric Pinsley. Look.

55
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,330
Nice. Nice.

56
00:03:55,331 --> 00:03:56,459
Yes.

57
00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:57,940
Smile. Yes. That's it. Smile.

58
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:01,470
He'll come and bring you a bone later
on. That's right.

59
00:04:01,550 --> 00:04:03,050
Bye -bye, Pompom. Yes, bye -bye.

60
00:04:03,051 --> 00:04:06,869
There. Is that door shut already? Yes,
absolutely shut. Now, do sit down, won't

61
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:07,920
you?

62
00:04:08,010 --> 00:04:09,810
That's it. Well, then.

63
00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:14,420
So you're the chap that head office have
chosen to take over from me, are you?

64
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,609
Well, it hasn't, you know, been
confirmed yet. No, no, no. But when it

65
00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:21,749
confirmed, it's poor old yours truly out
on his ear to make room for nice young

66
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:22,800
Eric Pinsley, is it?

67
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,620
Oh, well, I wouldn't put it like that.
What was that?

68
00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:29,770
Oh, the fish. Yes. The fish.

69
00:04:29,771 --> 00:04:33,429
Very attractive and nice, aren't they?
Well, they're all right. They belong to

70
00:04:33,430 --> 00:04:35,469
the wife. They're all right, I suppose,
if you like piranha.

71
00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:36,520
Piranha!

72
00:04:36,521 --> 00:04:40,049
Now they've heard you. Now they've heard
you. They're chewing the glass to get

73
00:04:40,050 --> 00:04:41,250
at you. Now sit over there.

74
00:04:41,251 --> 00:04:44,369
They won't see you from there because
they're just too short -sighted to see

75
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:47,389
from there. All right? You sit there in
Henry's chair. You all right?

76
00:04:47,390 --> 00:04:50,570
Yes. Well, now, look. It's the old
guard.

77
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,120
And the new of it, yes. Oh, well, I
mean, Mr.

78
00:04:53,121 --> 00:04:56,139
Wormsley has got to confirm the
appointment, of course. Oh, yes, now,

79
00:04:56,140 --> 00:04:58,910
Wormsley is a man who goes on first
impressions with us.

80
00:04:59,391 --> 00:05:01,459
What's that?

81
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:02,510
He's got out.

82
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:05,470
Who? Henry.

83
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,690
Where is he?

84
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,180
You're in his chair, you see.

85
00:05:09,181 --> 00:05:11,639
Don't move, don't move, don't move.

86
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,690
He likes the warmth.

87
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,910
Well, where is he? He's in the
upholstery right underneath you.

88
00:05:17,470 --> 00:05:19,810
Well, what is he? He's a sort of
rattlesnake.

89
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,850
What sort of rattlesnake? A big one.

90
00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:26,809
Don't move a muscle. Don't move a
muscle. Now, listen.

91
00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:29,640
Can you do an impersonation of the
Mexican snake eagle?

92
00:05:30,770 --> 00:05:32,030
No, no. Well, that's a pity.

93
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:36,249
That is the only thing that makes Henry
keep his head down. Now, I warn you, if

94
00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:39,069
you want to get out of that chair alive,
you must do it perfectly the first

95
00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:41,030
time. All right? It sounds like this.

96
00:05:49,021 --> 00:05:56,369
have to do. Now, stretch your wings out
wide and stick your head forward and

97
00:05:56,370 --> 00:05:59,210
make the noise and come to me. Are you
ready? Go, go.

98
00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:00,600
Come on.

99
00:06:01,610 --> 00:06:05,350
Make sure he wants to see if you love
him. You do not read him out.

100
00:06:05,830 --> 00:06:06,880
Now,

101
00:06:06,881 --> 00:06:09,569
now, look what you've done. Where's he
gone? Well, he could be anywhere in this

102
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,349
shag pile.

103
00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:13,850
Get off, get off. Get in the drinks
cupboard while I reason with him. Oh,

104
00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:16,010
Oh, God, there's a bird through it.

105
00:06:16,011 --> 00:06:19,649
Don't call him a buzzard. Call him
George.

106
00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:22,060
You call him a buzzard, he'll have your
eyes out.

107
00:06:23,191 --> 00:06:25,159
Careful, Doreen.

108
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,210
Don't wake up me.

109
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,420
Mr. Wormsley, dear. Ah, yes. Hello, Mr.

110
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,440
Wormsley. How are you? Nice to see you.

111
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,800
Have you met Eric Pinsley?

112
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,840
Good. Yes, I know, I know.

113
00:06:34,841 --> 00:06:37,979
Didn't I tell you he was as mad as a
hatter and campers a row of tents?

114
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,460
You'd better keep this job.

115
00:06:39,461 --> 00:06:41,539
Ah, thank you very much, Mr. Wormsley.
Not at all.

116
00:06:41,540 --> 00:06:43,800
By the way, I brought old Jumbo with me.

117
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,690
Jumbo? I didn't think I'd know Jumbo.
You know Jumbo?

118
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,200
I hope you don't mind. It's the mating
season. Oh, my God.

119
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,530
Jumbo.

120
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,540
New Piccadilly scheme.

121
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:08,080
Now, I'm not referring to the new
Piccadilly scheme of 1937.

122
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,480
That's been scrapped.

123
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:15,139
I'm referring to the brand new
Piccadilly scheme of 1946, in which

124
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:17,839
becomes a haven for shoppers to use
their ration books.

125
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,040
Now, that's been scrapped.

126
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:24,759
However, we have produced instead a new
revolutionary plan in which the whole of

127
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,370
London revolves, thus giving everyone a
chance to live in a decent area.

128
00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:32,720
And that's been scrapped.

129
00:07:32,721 --> 00:07:36,429
Instead, we've had to settle for the
whole of Piccadilly revolving, to the

130
00:07:36,430 --> 00:07:39,829
on Monday, to the right on Tuesday, both
ways on Wednesday, and neither way on

131
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:41,630
Thursday to let the people get on not.

132
00:07:41,631 --> 00:07:45,909
This will bring shops into easy reach,
pleasure to shopkeepers, and nausea to

133
00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:46,960
millions.

134
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:50,209
There will be a restaurant in which you
can dance, a restaurant in which you can

135
00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:53,449
watch films, and we hope one day to have
a restaurant in which you can actually

136
00:07:53,450 --> 00:07:54,500
eat the food.

137
00:07:55,210 --> 00:07:57,500
Indeed, the whole area will look like a
light...

138
00:07:57,501 --> 00:08:01,289
continental omelette with a split -level
yachting marina decorated with army

139
00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:04,900
surplus boots, which will draven up the
smartness of London's West End.

140
00:08:04,970 --> 00:08:08,580
And, of course, there will be several
places where you can go for a pizza.

141
00:08:09,610 --> 00:08:15,490
There will be large gay shopping
facilities for large gay shoppers.

142
00:08:15,491 --> 00:08:19,739
And all the shops will be screwed to the
ground as a precaution against

143
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:20,790
shoplifting.

144
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:25,799
We shall, of course, continue to take
checks, providing you can show a wallet,

145
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,119
driving licence, a credit card, or
anything that you could have stolen at

146
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,980
same time as you stole the checkbooks.

147
00:08:30,981 --> 00:08:35,579
And speaking of shopping, there will be
none of this closing just as people are

148
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,719
coming out of work. No, no, shops will
open just as people come out of work,

149
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,670
stay open all night and close just as
people are getting up.

150
00:08:41,671 --> 00:08:45,359
Thus giving shop assistants ample
opportunity to do their shopping while

151
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,410
shops are closed.

152
00:08:46,411 --> 00:08:50,319
And if that doesn't make sense to you,
you're probably of above average

153
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:55,599
intelligence. Now, D -Ross will be
completely taken away and replaced by a

154
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,040
-size model of Angela Rippon.

155
00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:02,629
which will be used as a traffic
indicator for Soho, with the green and

156
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:07,150
yellow lights on top, and, of course,
the red light covering the no -go area.

157
00:09:08,490 --> 00:09:12,449
Now, there will be several saunas, and
these will be topless. In other words,

158
00:09:12,450 --> 00:09:13,500
roof.

159
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:17,149
There will be a Mary Quant topless
massage parlour, but this will be for

160
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:18,950
quantity surveyors only, of course.

161
00:09:19,310 --> 00:09:22,570
There will be a groaning parlour, yes.

162
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:27,110
And there will also be a Tony Benn
massage parlour.

163
00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:29,130
for rubbing people up the wrong way.

164
00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:34,469
The colour scheme for the whole area
has, in fact, been chosen by Mary Quant.

165
00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:39,369
It's a rather exciting, go -ahead,
uncompromising, brownie sort of fawn mud

166
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:40,420
colour.

167
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:41,480
Or sludge.

168
00:09:42,310 --> 00:09:46,209
Two and a half miles of the city will be
demolished, thus giving the tourists

169
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:50,129
standing in Piccadilly an uninterrupted
view of the office blocks covering St

170
00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:51,180
Paul's Cathedral.

171
00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:54,660
And, of course, the bird droppings
covering the office blocks.

172
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:59,530
Thank you, madam. And, of course, a
couple of things for motorists. Bollard.

173
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:07,469
Now, the Irish parking system will be
adopted using green lines instead of

174
00:10:07,470 --> 00:10:08,149
yellow ones.

175
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:12,009
One green line will mean you can't park
there at all, and two green lines will

176
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,870
mean you can't park there at all at all.

177
00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:21,329
And a nice modern touch, there will be a
place for shoppers to relax. It's a

178
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:26,109
special feature to retain the Soho image
with deep, plush, lush, scarlet, double

179
00:10:26,110 --> 00:10:27,160
-sized settees.

180
00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:28,570
And there you have it.

181
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,559
Finally, finally some good news. I
personally presented the scheme to the

182
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,759
Minister yesterday and he said to me, my
dear Minister, it is amazing.

183
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,399
I don't know what we'd do without you.
But starting on Monday, we're going to

184
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,450
try.

185
00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:17,549
Iggy Malone and Charlie Farley have
travelled to a remote Devonshire village

186
00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:19,530
search of clues to the Yokels' murders.

187
00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:25,889
They have taken lodgings at Darkling's
Farm, run by the fat and friendly

188
00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:26,849
farmer's wife.

189
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:32,769
There, Piggy meets Lucy Lee, a wild and
passionate gypsy maiden who warns him of

190
00:11:32,770 --> 00:11:36,730
black mass rituals and other strange
goings -on in the churchyard.

191
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:39,130
Charlie goes to investigate.

192
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,380
but seconds later is fleeing from a
ghostly, shrouded figure.

193
00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:49,960
Next morning, Charlie tells his dim
-witted boss the whole story.

194
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,420
Of course, it was frightening.

195
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:54,120
I'm sure it was a fake, you know.

196
00:11:54,121 --> 00:11:57,159
You know, somebody under a white sheet
or something like that. But I thought of

197
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,570
a way of proving it. I'm going to make a
ghost trap.

198
00:11:59,571 --> 00:12:01,099
What else?

199
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,240
Ah, that's the problem.

200
00:12:02,241 --> 00:12:05,619
Where do you think the nearest do -it
-yourself shop is?

201
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:08,829
The exit, I think that's 20 miles away.
How are you going to get there?

202
00:12:08,830 --> 00:12:12,250
But I was talking to the farmer's wife
about them.

203
00:12:12,590 --> 00:12:13,910
Amazing woman, isn't she?

204
00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:16,410
Double portions of everything, you know.

205
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,000
Yes, I had noticed.

206
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:21,810
What about this bus, then?

207
00:12:21,811 --> 00:12:25,849
She says the trouble is they only run
Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, you

208
00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:29,520
know. You can sometimes wait for ages,
then they all come at once, you know.

209
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,400
On the Saturday.

210
00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:37,470
Well, that's no good, then, is it?

211
00:12:38,830 --> 00:12:41,540
Oh, but don't you worry yourself. I'll
find somewhere.

212
00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:45,329
I'll, you know, have a little scout
around in the tractor shed with lots of

213
00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:47,729
and pieces. I'll cook something up. What
are you going to do, Chief?

214
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:50,509
Well, I'm going to have a prowl around
as well. I get the feeling we're being

215
00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:52,370
watched, and I want to catch them at it.

216
00:12:52,790 --> 00:12:54,710
Then I should question a farmer's wife.

217
00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:57,620
There's more to her than meets the eye,
you know.

218
00:12:58,130 --> 00:12:59,390
That's saying something.

219
00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:05,310
I reckon if I get her in the right mood,
we could cover quite a bit of ground.

220
00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:08,270
Now just you be careful.

221
00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:12,540
I don't want you falling off anything
and hurting yourself.

222
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:02,980
What's you?

223
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,530
Oh, what do you want to do that for?

224
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:07,690
I thought you was a prowler.

225
00:14:07,691 --> 00:14:10,249
I also thought you were facing the other
way.

226
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,680
Well, if you have to do it so hard, you
might have bashed my brains out.

227
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:15,830
I mean, I wouldn't, would I?

228
00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:18,470
What are you doing here, anyhow?

229
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,170
I got some at a telly.

230
00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:22,610
Come and sit down in the hay.

231
00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:26,189
Now, now, don't start all that again.
Why in the hay? Well, it's the only

232
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:27,930
I can sit down at the moment, innit?

233
00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:30,770
Yes, I'm sorry about that.

234
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,860
Now listen and concentrate on what I'm
going to say.

235
00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:40,140
You see this?

236
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,080
That be gypsy gold.

237
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:47,720
Real gold.

238
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,800
Old gold.

239
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,800
Not rolled gold.

240
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,660
Real old gold.

241
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,120
Now I want you to watch it.

242
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,780
listen to my voice and watch the goal
swing to and fro.

243
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:14,360
Now you're getting drowsy.

244
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:17,560
You're nodding off.

245
00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:20,640
You're a little nuddy.

246
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,460
Your eyelids is drooping.

247
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,520
Your head is drooping.

248
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,880
Everything's drooping.

249
00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:37,970
You are asleep, aren't you?

250
00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:40,020
Yes, I am.

251
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:45,140
Now, listen to me.

252
00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:51,229
You must never go near the graveyard,
for a demon lurks there, and he will

253
00:15:51,230 --> 00:15:52,280
devour you.

254
00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:53,860
Do you hear me?

255
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:55,480
I do.

256
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:58,310
The demon is a fearsome, horrible thing.

257
00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:00,110
Repeat after me.

258
00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:05,090
It's big, and it's black, and it's
furry, and I'd be afraid of it.

259
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:08,610
It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

260
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:14,770
When you awake, you will remember
nothing, but in your heart you will

261
00:16:16,150 --> 00:16:18,390
What is this fearsome demon? Tell me.

262
00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:22,300
It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

263
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,100
Well said.

264
00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:27,610
Don't be a fool, Piggy.

265
00:16:27,910 --> 00:16:28,960
What art thou?

266
00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:30,380
A piggy.

267
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,250
Ah, a piggy to be sure.

268
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,380
I'd stand on all fours like a piggy.

269
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,300
You will sleep for a while.

270
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,900
But remember, when you awake, you will
remember nothing except this.

271
00:17:22,089 --> 00:17:26,989
All I need now is the little spring to
return the fluctuator to its original

272
00:17:26,990 --> 00:17:28,040
position.

273
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,570
What's all that?

274
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,420
Well, it's my ghost trap.

275
00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:23,080
I think I did rather well.

276
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,540
Because you know my mechanical bent?

277
00:19:26,260 --> 00:19:27,310
Oh, dear, did it?

278
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,280
My aptitude.

279
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:35,539
Look, come and have a look. All it is,
it's quite simple. It's compressed air,

280
00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:36,019
you see?

281
00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:38,370
Blows the sheet right off. Very good,
isn't it?

282
00:19:38,371 --> 00:19:40,319
My favourite bit's the little wizard.

283
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,760
Yeah, where did you get that?

284
00:19:41,761 --> 00:19:45,159
I've had that in my suitcase since we
went to that annual dinner last year,

285
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,360
know. What dinner?

286
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,910
The private investigator's annual
dinner, remember?

287
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:53,270
When we pulled these little crackers at
the dining table.

288
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,370
There weren't any girls at that dinner.
It was a stag do.

289
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,360
Hey, boss, are you all right?

290
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,610
You look a bit rough.

291
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:05,280
Yes, I feel a bit rough. I went into the
barn and I sort of lost track of time.

292
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:06,930
The barn?

293
00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:10,110
You weren't hobnobbing with that gypsy
girl... What's her name?

294
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,510
Lucy?

295
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:15,140
It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

296
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,570
I'm going to keep it that way, too, if
you've got any sense.

297
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,740
Plan. Just shut up.

298
00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:30,700
All we've got to do, Chief, is to set
this up in the graveyard.

299
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,700
And tonight, we'll be waiting for them.

300
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,940
Are our heroes any nearer to solving the
yokel murders?

301
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,280
Are they really on to something big? And
if so, is it the farmer's wife?

302
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,160
Find out next week.

303
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,800
In another exciting episode of Stop,
You're Killing Me.

304
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:03,390
Oh, darling.

305
00:21:03,540 --> 00:21:08,159
Yes. I'm so happy. Are you, darling? Are
you really, really happy? Are you? Just

306
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:13,680
being here with you. Yes. Here,
together, alone. I know, darling.

307
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:14,950
I know.

308
00:21:17,630 --> 00:21:19,830
A word in your ear, John. Now, look
here.

309
00:21:20,930 --> 00:21:22,550
Look here. Who the devil are you?

310
00:21:22,551 --> 00:21:25,029
A little bit delicate, John. A little
bit delicate. I've got a little bit of

311
00:21:25,030 --> 00:21:27,140
business you might just be interested
in.

312
00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:31,189
Darling, what is all this? Don't worry,
darling. I have a way of dealing with

313
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,570
these Jehovah's Witnesses.

314
00:21:32,571 --> 00:21:37,349
Turn it up, John. Turn it up. Do you
mind if we sit down and talk about this?

315
00:21:37,350 --> 00:21:38,970
Like sensible people. All right?

316
00:21:38,971 --> 00:21:41,229
Not too loud, though. You know what I
mean?

317
00:21:41,230 --> 00:21:43,340
You know what wolves have got, don't
you?

318
00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:44,780
Sausages.

319
00:21:49,050 --> 00:21:53,429
Ears, John, ears, John. Here we are.
Little newspaper cutting. Cast your eyes

320
00:21:53,430 --> 00:21:54,630
over there. What is this?

321
00:21:55,630 --> 00:21:58,990
At last, relief from embarrassing
itching. Well, what does it do?

322
00:21:59,930 --> 00:22:01,510
Other side, John, other side.

323
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:05,190
Well, the Baroness kidnapped.

324
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:09,150
Whereabouts of Lady Amelia Withers still
unknown.

325
00:22:09,810 --> 00:22:11,550
Well, what's that got to do with me?

326
00:22:12,030 --> 00:22:15,700
Lady Amelia Withers, John, don't that
name ring any bells for you at all?

327
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:17,370
Your wife, darling?

328
00:22:17,690 --> 00:22:21,060
Yes, I know she's my wife, darling, but
what's she got to do with me?

329
00:22:21,061 --> 00:22:24,589
What are you after, you little creep?
Perhaps I could make myself a little bit

330
00:22:24,590 --> 00:22:25,930
clearer. A lock of her hair.

331
00:22:26,570 --> 00:22:29,170
A lock of her hair? Where the devil did
you get that?

332
00:22:29,410 --> 00:22:30,730
Oh, for her head, of course.

333
00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:31,800
Well,

334
00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:36,909
I believe you. You are the chap who
captured my wife and locked her up, yes?

335
00:22:36,910 --> 00:22:39,749
it in one. You're a very smart boy. Now,
what have you got to say to that?

336
00:22:39,750 --> 00:22:40,800
Well done.

337
00:22:40,801 --> 00:22:44,639
I understand you're going to be shocked
in the first place in the passage of

338
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:45,780
time. I beg your pardon?

339
00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:50,359
I said, well done. I'm very glad that
you've taken the old battle axe off my

340
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,639
hand. Your hands are so smooth, my
darling. Look, mate, you can plead till

341
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,199
you're blue in the face for her return,
but unless the 50 grand go to the table,

342
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,979
your dear wife stays where she is, I
tell you that, mate. You know, your skin

343
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:04,819
like milk, darling. It really is like
milk. You don't seem to understand my

344
00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:05,870
argument, John.

345
00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:11,180
Look, look, your wife is a prisoner in
my secret hideout. What secret hideout?

346
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:14,439
Oh, what's it? The secret hideout. Oh,
you wouldn't know where it is. Could be

347
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,399
anywhere in town. Need not be in this
country. Maybe right out the... Maybe

348
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,659
anywhere in the world, my secret
hideout. And you will never know where

349
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:23,610
secret hideout is, will you? And
supposing I don't pay up?

350
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,450
Out she goes, through the window,
straight into the Catford sewage works.

351
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:35,439
Now, look, John, don't play any games
with me, please.

352
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:39,939
Don't play games. I can get very ugly.
Now, look, I realise that you and your

353
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:43,599
daughter here may very well want her
ladyship back into the bosom of the

354
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,150
Look, just push off, will you, you
arrogant little ponce, and leave us

355
00:23:47,151 --> 00:23:51,559
Look, once and for all, John, do you
want your ladyship back or not?

356
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:52,610
No.

357
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,610
Look, I want a straight answer, John. I
don't want any...

358
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,340
Look, how can I impress upon you the
fact that I don't want her back? To me,

359
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:08,319
she's a fat, ugly, lazy old bore with a
face like a yak's backside and a

360
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:09,860
backside like a yak's face.

361
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:15,180
I have no wish to see the grizzled old
toe rag ever again in all my puff.

362
00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:16,630
Is that understood?

363
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,870
All right, you want time to consider it,
I understand.

364
00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:24,050
Just clear off, will you? Squib
features, we're trying to eat a meal.

365
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,300
Look, I'm a reasonable man, John.

366
00:24:26,301 --> 00:24:30,129
And on account of the comments you have
made, I am completely prepared to

367
00:24:30,130 --> 00:24:32,300
reconsider my original figure of 50
grand.

368
00:24:32,690 --> 00:24:35,760
Well, I'm prepared to make a new offer.
What is your new offer?

369
00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:36,840
50p.

370
00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:40,140
Get lost, will you? Some more Matthews
here.

371
00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:44,329
Look, John, you whilst... She's bleeding
driving me mad back there, you know. I

372
00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:46,969
can't take much more of it. Knit her
naturally and on, she's got a voice like

373
00:24:46,970 --> 00:24:48,020
glue factory.

374
00:24:48,090 --> 00:24:51,820
You should have thought of that before
you kidnapped her, shouldn't you?

375
00:24:52,270 --> 00:24:55,040
All right, then what do you want to take
her back, then?

376
00:24:55,170 --> 00:24:56,220
A thousand pounds.

377
00:24:56,221 --> 00:25:00,439
Grand, you want your head tested, you
can't... I think I should warn you that

378
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,420
wife takes quite a fancy to small men.

379
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,579
Having been denied her conjugal rights
up to now, there's no telling what might

380
00:25:07,580 --> 00:25:09,900
happen when Saturday night comes round.

381
00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:13,440
I've only got about £27 in here.

382
00:25:13,441 --> 00:25:16,879
I haven't paid the rent or anything,
I've got the shop... Just keep going.

383
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:17,930
Would you?

384
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,850
You drive a hard bargain, John, don't
you?

385
00:25:21,540 --> 00:25:23,890
I want this to be a lesson to you, I
tell you that.

386
00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:26,470
Nobody makes me look silly, I tell you
that.

387
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:37,480
Hold it, young man.

388
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:38,800
The Nolan sisters.

389
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:03,519
Chattanooga choo -choo Track 29 Boy, you
can give me a shine

390
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:10,279
I can afford to board the Chattanooga
choo -choo Yeah,

391
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:17,099
yeah I got my fare And just a trifle to
spare We'll

392
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:22,239
leave the Pennsylvania station by the
corner to four Book the magazine and

393
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,290
to Wimbledon Mall

394
00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:52,649
And you know

395
00:26:52,650 --> 00:26:56,270
he's gonna die Until I tell him that
I'll never

396
00:27:00,419 --> 00:27:06,659
Won't you choo -choo me ho Go keep on
shoveling the coal in

397
00:27:06,660 --> 00:27:12,599
We just gotta keep it rolling Keep on
shoveling the coal in

398
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:19,399
Woo -woo Chattanooga, woo -woo
Chattanooga We'll have dinner in the

399
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:23,980
the way to Carolina You know nothing
could be finer

400
00:27:38,890 --> 00:27:39,940
you do to me

401
00:28:07,211 --> 00:28:10,009
Thank you, the Nolan sisters.

402
00:28:10,010 --> 00:28:11,060
Aren't they lovely?

403
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:12,590
They are, they're lovely.

404
00:28:13,470 --> 00:28:17,709
Fancy having six daughters, you know,
all talented, popular, you know, and

405
00:28:17,710 --> 00:28:21,870
working. Now, that is what I call family
planning.

406
00:28:23,150 --> 00:28:25,430
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Nolan.

407
00:28:25,990 --> 00:28:28,490
Actually, he is not here at the moment.

408
00:28:28,690 --> 00:28:32,549
He always goes home when they're
working, you know, because it is only

409
00:28:32,550 --> 00:28:33,600
get in the bathroom.

410
00:28:33,601 --> 00:28:38,779
I can sympathize with them, although my
daughters are still schoolgirls, you

411
00:28:38,780 --> 00:28:40,100
know. Well, I think they are.

412
00:28:40,101 --> 00:28:43,939
About six months ago, we let them go to
one of these modern schools, you know,

413
00:28:43,940 --> 00:28:46,170
where the kids turn up when they feel
like it.

414
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,070
I don't think they've actually been
there yet.

415
00:28:50,060 --> 00:28:54,980
How things have changed since my days at
the old Martin Borman Comprehensive.

416
00:28:57,100 --> 00:28:58,540
What a school that was.

417
00:28:58,780 --> 00:29:04,020
I remember on Founder's Day, the school
cadets fired a salute and shot 28 of us.

418
00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:07,930
And we had to do all our writing on
slates.

419
00:29:08,490 --> 00:29:11,560
On a wet day, kids used to be dropping
off that roof like flies.

420
00:29:15,250 --> 00:29:17,290
But I digress.

421
00:29:17,810 --> 00:29:23,470
What I really want to tell you is a very
funny story about an ice skating event.

422
00:29:23,770 --> 00:29:25,810
Now, I want you to imagine the scene.

423
00:29:26,050 --> 00:29:30,489
By the way, this is something of an
occasion for me, because I very seldom

424
00:29:30,490 --> 00:29:33,610
stories about sporting events, because
I'm not.

425
00:29:34,170 --> 00:29:36,150
naturally, you know, a sporting person.

426
00:29:36,250 --> 00:29:38,170
Something to do with my size, I suppose.

427
00:29:38,250 --> 00:29:39,610
I blame my father, really.

428
00:29:40,270 --> 00:29:43,580
Every morning he used to give me a penny
and say, there's a good boy.

429
00:29:46,650 --> 00:29:48,130
Don't laugh too much, please.

430
00:29:48,131 --> 00:29:51,829
Don't laugh too much. Remember, if it
wasn't for the likes of me, you'd all be

431
00:29:51,830 --> 00:29:52,880
getting lumpy flour.

432
00:30:00,780 --> 00:30:05,019
To be perfectly honest, I'll admit that
I actually spent my early formative

433
00:30:05,020 --> 00:30:09,899
years at a pretty soft school, you know,
for pretty soft kids. Good heavens, at

434
00:30:09,900 --> 00:30:15,020
St. Pansy's Primary, you could have a
reign of terror with a balloon on a

435
00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:21,990
I was actually the captain of the school
embroidery team.

436
00:30:22,900 --> 00:30:24,900
And looking back, I'd say that...

437
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:29,099
Pansies was never really sports
-orientated, you know. When we played

438
00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:32,950
football, you know, our school strip was
grey overcoats and black galoshes.

439
00:30:33,540 --> 00:30:35,460
And our trainer was the district nurse.

440
00:30:37,140 --> 00:30:41,039
I often think we must have been an
inspiring sight, you know, as we swept

441
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:45,199
the field in our 4 -2 -1 formation, you
know. It's a pity we never had the ball

442
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,250
with us.

443
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:51,599
On a good day, we used to get beaten
about 100 -0, partly because our

444
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,640
could only ever get one hand to the
ball, you know.

445
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:57,550
because his mother would be holding the
other one.

446
00:30:59,380 --> 00:31:02,960
Now, at half -time, we used to have a
bowl of bread and milk and a good cry.

447
00:31:04,060 --> 00:31:08,379
We were so nervous that if we were given
a penalty, we'd let one of them take it

448
00:31:08,380 --> 00:31:09,430
for us.

449
00:31:10,180 --> 00:31:14,539
Sometimes we used to stay out there
during half -time and pew -to -pew, you

450
00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:17,639
know, through our own goal, you know, so
the other team would like us when they

451
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:18,690
came back on again.

452
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:21,720
And the teachers were just as soft.

453
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,920
I remember the master who took us for
sex education.

454
00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:30,179
He was so shy, he used to shut himself
in a cupboard and shout, some do and

455
00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:31,230
don't.

456
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:38,419
And for the more advanced students, he
used to put on a black stocking and

457
00:31:38,420 --> 00:31:40,830
his leg out of the door and shout,
hello, sailor.

458
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:43,660
Anyway, the joke.

459
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:50,880
A scene you may remember is an
international skating competition.

460
00:31:51,630 --> 00:31:56,769
The music starts and the first
competitor glides onto the ice, races

461
00:31:56,770 --> 00:32:00,380
rink gathering speed, jumps 10 feet in
the air and lands flat on his back.

462
00:32:00,590 --> 00:32:06,689
While the crowd of international
spectators gasp, Sacre bleu, Donner und

463
00:32:06,690 --> 00:32:08,630
Blitzen. Bloody hell.

464
00:32:12,670 --> 00:32:16,569
And the competitor gets to his feet and
goes straight into a double axle at

465
00:32:16,570 --> 00:32:19,690
racing speed with a floy floy and crash,
down he goes again.

466
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,040
Again, the international crowd gasps.

467
00:32:22,140 --> 00:32:26,820
Get off.

468
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,260
Up he gets, and down he goes again. Up,
down. He just can't do a thing right.

469
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:37,560
The music stops eventually, and the
international judges hold up their

470
00:32:38,460 --> 00:32:39,740
Albania, nought.

471
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,080
Germany, nought.

472
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,440
France, nought.

473
00:32:45,220 --> 00:32:46,740
Brixton, nought.

474
00:32:51,630 --> 00:32:54,750
Well, the crowd go mad, and eventually
have to be put in a home.

475
00:32:58,110 --> 00:33:01,929
And the chief adjudicator, whose
nationality is a mystery, you know,

476
00:33:01,930 --> 00:33:06,709
I've almost run out of accents, he
turned to the Irish judge and said, what

477
00:33:06,710 --> 00:33:09,870
you doing, he said, you Irish nit. He
said, what are you doing?

478
00:33:10,330 --> 00:33:14,909
Fourteen times he's fallen over, he's
cracked the ice in three places, why

479
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:16,250
you given him ten marks?

480
00:33:16,251 --> 00:33:19,749
And the Irish judge said, oh, I taught
you to do very well, it's very slippy

481
00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:20,800
there, you know.

482
00:34:09,041 --> 00:34:11,109
How's den?

483
00:34:11,110 --> 00:34:12,160
How's den?

484
00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:14,730
Down the place where the child's den.
We're here!

485
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:40,440
When you come down to this venue,
there'll be love on the menu in house

486
00:34:58,700 --> 00:35:05,439
Crazy, crazy, Juliet hasn't left school
yet. Mandy, Bandy, and Mitzi is

487
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:10,559
terribly ticklish. When you come down to
the venue, there'll be love on the

488
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:17,560
menu. In -house tonight, in -house
tonight, in -house tonight. Oh,

489
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,220
Boogie. Oh, Boogie.

490
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:21,800
Oh, Boogie.

491
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,560
Welcome to my hotel.

492
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,140
Good old George.

493
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,440
Where's the dragon? She's outside.

494
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,900
Dear old Jack. Where's the beanstalk?

495
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:46,170
At her mother.

496
00:35:46,171 --> 00:35:50,019
No wonder you were playing about with
that wonderful piece of rolling stock,

497
00:35:50,020 --> 00:35:52,859
What a marvellous creature. Plenty there
for both of us. Oh, don't worry.

498
00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:55,940
Something much more streamlined is due
in any moment.

499
00:35:56,420 --> 00:35:58,140
And there she is now.

500
00:35:58,420 --> 00:36:03,379
Ah, what a first -class carriage. And
wearing the rare reporter's dream, trunk

501
00:36:03,380 --> 00:36:04,430
and hold -all.

502
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,790
What's her name? Her name's Angela, and
she's here for the tennis.

503
00:36:09,820 --> 00:36:13,430
Ah, so what? I'm here for the golf, and
I don't intend to play it all night.

504
00:36:13,431 --> 00:36:16,939
Anyway, my wife and I are sharing the
same sleeper. Now, there's a lad. Why

505
00:36:16,940 --> 00:36:21,139
don't you waylay the old dragon, and I
try and sweep this gal off her feet? I

506
00:36:21,140 --> 00:36:23,670
couldn't possibly fail to disagree with
you less.

507
00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:28,640
Haven't we met before?

508
00:36:29,220 --> 00:36:30,270
I don't know.

509
00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:32,760
Have you ever been to crew station?

510
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,180
Never. That's where we've never met
before.

511
00:36:37,500 --> 00:36:38,840
You're teasing me.

512
00:36:38,841 --> 00:36:39,879
I know.

513
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:44,960
I love to tease. You love to tango?
Adore it. Shall we? Yes.

514
00:36:46,380 --> 00:36:47,560
Tango teaser.

515
00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:51,220
You are my little tango teaser.

516
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:58,499
And when I meet a tease, I squeeze her
until her eyes pop out and start

517
00:36:58,500 --> 00:36:59,550
to roll about.

518
00:37:01,020 --> 00:37:02,280
Tango teaser.

519
00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:04,120
I do my best.

520
00:37:04,410 --> 00:37:11,369
To pet and please her. I limitate the
tower of Pisa. Except that when

521
00:37:11,370 --> 00:37:14,070
we sway, I lean the other way.

522
00:37:15,250 --> 00:37:17,270
I'm gymnastic.

523
00:37:17,490 --> 00:37:20,490
But when I dance, the light's fantastic.

524
00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:24,510
I've got a kiss that melts elastic.

525
00:37:48,270 --> 00:37:50,330
wants my bedroom teaser.

526
00:37:50,890 --> 00:37:56,550
If I can ditch my daft old geezer, I'll
be there right away.

527
00:37:56,850 --> 00:37:59,550
Get out and on your way, old lady.

528
00:38:00,990 --> 00:38:03,490
And as for you, young woman, come with
me.

529
00:38:03,730 --> 00:38:09,790
I'm going to give you a peek at my mind.
Everything running smoothly?

530
00:38:10,070 --> 00:38:13,490
Not a bit of it, old boy. I'm afraid
I've had to rearrange the whole

531
00:38:13,491 --> 00:38:16,089
The wife came in. I had to cancel my
connection.

532
00:38:16,090 --> 00:38:18,980
What she needs is a swift kick in the
luggage compartment.

533
00:38:18,981 --> 00:38:22,609
What she needs is locking in the luggage
compartment on the fast train to

534
00:38:22,610 --> 00:38:23,830
Inverness. Not a bad idea.

535
00:38:23,831 --> 00:38:25,369
Do you think it's possible?

536
00:38:25,370 --> 00:38:29,220
Boopsie, where's the dragon now? She's
upstairs unpacking her large twunk.

537
00:38:29,910 --> 00:38:34,210
The very thing. One quick push. No time
like the present.

538
00:38:35,490 --> 00:38:37,330
Oh, Boopsie, don't go, don't go.

539
00:38:37,670 --> 00:38:42,449
Come and sit on my knee. I just did. We
fell over. Oh, come on. Show a little

540
00:38:42,450 --> 00:38:46,000
affection. I told you more than that
last time I fell over.

541
00:38:46,460 --> 00:38:50,300
I don't know what I'm going to do about
you. I really don't.

542
00:38:56,280 --> 00:39:03,219
Since I first met you, I can't forget
you. I want you for my own, but you

543
00:39:03,220 --> 00:39:05,140
be hurried. You got me worried.

544
00:39:05,420 --> 00:39:11,460
You always want to be alone, but I must
arrange, dear, for you to change, dear.

545
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,400
and see my point of view.

546
00:39:14,460 --> 00:39:19,139
For you suggest, dear, all that is best,
dear, the things that I like. I like

547
00:39:19,140 --> 00:39:20,190
you.

548
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:23,240
You remind me of a slice of treacle
tart.

549
00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:25,430
I'd love to take a bite right out of
you.

550
00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:29,520
You're as pretty as a cost among this
cart.

551
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,560
Succulent as Irish stew with dumplings.

552
00:39:32,980 --> 00:39:36,919
When you stand there with your hands
before your face, you remind me of the

553
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:37,980
clock in Waterloo.

554
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:43,719
Yet what is so ironic? You wanted kept
platonic. What am I going to do about

555
00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:50,059
you? You're an absolute piz on the dance
floor in that low -fronted dress that

556
00:39:50,060 --> 00:39:51,110
you wear.

557
00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:57,360
And when we do the big apple, Mary Mark,
what a beautiful pair they are.

558
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:02,519
You remind me of the waiting room at
Stoke. You're friendly, you're warm, and

559
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,570
you are dark.

560
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:08,300
And when you wear that dress with
flowers around the yoke, you remind me

561
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:10,340
James' Park last Thursday.

562
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:15,680
You're as sparkling as the Crystal
Palace, jazzy as a corresponding jewel.

563
00:40:16,180 --> 00:40:21,479
My brain is in a whirl, if only you
weren't a girl. What am I going to do

564
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:28,040
you? You say that you must be home
early, that staying out late isn't fun.

565
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:34,919
Yet when you went racing with Curly, You
came home a -twenty to one hot

566
00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:40,279
favorite. You remind me of the Lord Mare
show, cause I think you're the biggest

567
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:41,330
thing in town.

568
00:40:42,260 --> 00:40:46,859
You're just like a book by Edgar Allan
Poe. When I pick you up, I just can't

569
00:40:46,860 --> 00:40:48,280
you down till bedtime.

570
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:53,159
We're beside ourselves, we're jumping up
and down, behaving like the monkeys in

571
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,210
the zoo.

572
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,850
So maybe we should start a band -aid.
It's great for a happy ending.

573
00:40:58,040 --> 00:40:59,960
That's the only thing to do.

574
00:41:00,970 --> 00:41:03,930
That's what I'm gonna do about you You

575
00:41:21,071 --> 00:41:23,569
upstairs with the old dragon.

576
00:41:23,570 --> 00:41:26,250
Absolute pushover. Wonderful. Don't miss
her train.

577
00:41:26,570 --> 00:41:30,730
She's on her way down now in the lift.
In the trunk. In the trunk, in the lift.

578
00:41:30,990 --> 00:41:34,929
The taxi will be here any moment, old
beast. Well done, old fruit. This calls

579
00:41:34,930 --> 00:41:40,469
for some bubbly. Boopsy, bubbly. And now
to start really living. Come on, let's

580
00:41:40,470 --> 00:41:44,589
have a nice golf foursome to start with.
You won't see a terrible game. All

581
00:41:44,590 --> 00:41:45,730
right, we'll play that.

582
00:41:46,930 --> 00:41:47,980
Come on.

583
00:41:48,350 --> 00:41:49,870
Halstead, Halstead.

584
00:41:50,610 --> 00:41:51,660
That's a real game.

585
00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:00,600
Blues off. Keep dancing your shoes off.

586
00:42:53,940 --> 00:42:58,199
Well, that's all we have time for this
week, but here are some late items of

587
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:04,059
news. Last night at the Excelsior
Ballroom, Kilburn, during request time,

588
00:43:04,060 --> 00:43:09,499
Shamrock Show Band was asked to do
something typically Irish, so they dug

589
00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:10,550
car park.

590
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:20,219
And there was an incident in a Walsall

591
00:43:20,220 --> 00:43:21,320
Topless bar tonight.

592
00:43:21,321 --> 00:43:24,829
when a member of the Campaign for Real
Ale said the beer was all right, but his

593
00:43:24,830 --> 00:43:25,880
waitress was flat.

594
00:43:28,210 --> 00:43:34,589
Whilst in London's West End tonight, a
Scotsman died of starvation on the back

595
00:43:34,590 --> 00:43:36,250
seat of a pay -as -you -leave bus.

596
00:43:41,950 --> 00:43:46,009
Les Grout, the only man ever to play in
an all -ladies soccer team, said tonight

597
00:43:46,010 --> 00:43:49,020
that he was very happy after his first
week with his new club.

598
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:52,940
He scored three times this evening, once
in the match and twice in the show.

599
00:43:52,941 --> 00:43:58,629
Next week we'll be meeting the man who
crossed a derby winner with a

600
00:43:58,630 --> 00:44:00,670
nymphomaniac and got a racing certainty.

601
00:44:00,671 --> 00:44:05,489
And we'll be talking to the song and
dance man who yesterday put on a happy

602
00:44:05,490 --> 00:44:09,029
face, buttoned up his overcoat, pulled
on his fancy pants and zippered his

603
00:44:09,030 --> 00:44:10,080
doodah.

604
00:44:10,081 --> 00:44:15,469
So until then, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

605
00:44:15,470 --> 00:44:16,519
Goodnight.

606
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:21,070
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0